


Voiceless

by Hadithi



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Angst, Corrupted Steven, Corrupted Steven Theory, F/M, Philosophy, WORM THEORY, a lot of crying, but a happy ending though i promise, everyone's just sad all the time
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-08
Updated: 2019-10-18
Packaged: 2020-11-27 20:29:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 12,758
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20954441
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hadithi/pseuds/Hadithi
Summary: Pearl watches. Garnet tells stories. Amethyst gives a speech. Lapis relates. Connie confesses. Surely someday Steven will speak?Otherwise, what's the point in anything?[Worm theory. Angst. Happy ending.]





	1. Nihilism

It’s Pearl’s night to watch Steven.

Funny. She used to look forward to watching him sleep every night. They had to have a heart to heart when he turned fifteen and he caught her peeking around the corner at midnight. He was growing up. He needed privacy. She couldn’t be hovering over his bed and counting his breaths until morning came. She needed to trust he would be alright.

_ Apparently, I was worried about the wrong thing _, she thinks, everything flat and miserable and colorless as she stares at the slumbering boy. He doesn’t look much like a boy now, with his head as tall as Opal, but she doesn’t like to think of him any other way. So she ignores how every breath shakes the leaves on the trees and bushes around him. Every little sound he makes rumbles through the ground. Through her. There’s nothing quiet about this shape. Nothing subtle. Nowhere to hide.

This was what he held inside himself. All his problems. While Pearl had tucked herself away, layer after layer of perfect folds and partitions, Steven had just held it all inside him, tugging and pulling at the fabric of emotions too big for his body to handle, until he blew out of him like a parachute in a hurricane.

She was glad she hadn’t been there for that. Amethyst could barely manage to tell them how it happened through all the sobbing, and she hadn’t been the same since. Amethyst didn’t enjoy sleeping anymore. She didn’t enjoy a lot of things, anymore.

“I’m supposed to take a day shift soon,” Pearl says, too quietly to wake him. “Peridot and Connie and I have been going through psychology textbooks. It’s an entire branch of human science devoted to learning how humans think. How to help people when they’re hurt. Some people spend their whole lives fixing other people, Steven. Seems like a job you might like.”

She pauses, just in case he’s waking, but there’s no noise. “I know Garnet tells you stories all day. She must have told you everything you mean to her a thousand times by now. She hates switching shifts. She never wants to leave. She says, when she looks into the future, it’s a mess. She doesn’t know how to account for this. She doesn’t know how any of her predictions were ever right at all.”

Pearl’s voice cracks and Steven shifts his head slightly. Pearl counts twenty breaths in perfectly still silence to be sure he’s still asleep before she continues, “We’re all supposed to talk to you. Let you know we care. That’s what the books say. That’s why Amethyst keeps practicing her speech in the mirror at home. She almost has it, Steven. Maybe it’ll mean something. For now, she’ll just keep bringing out video games and comics to keep you company.”

Pearl looks along his long, long body, vanishing among the trees. “And I’ll just keep taking night shifts. How am I supposed to talk to you when you’re awake and can’t talk back, Steven? How do I face that? Just talk at you more? Isn’t that what I’ve always done? Isn’t that just putting more on you? Begging you to be okay for my sake? I’m…” She puts a hand to her mouth and swallows down a sob. No crying tonight. Too noisy. She whispers, “I don’t know how to help, Steven. There’s no one to fight, not except you. And I still can’t believe we tried to…”

She closes her eyes, shaking her head. “We’re a mess without you. I’m a mess without you. How am I supposed to convince you to love yourself? To take care of yourself? That you’ve done things worthy of being alive, of being happy? I can’t even do it for myself, and it’s been thousands of years of trying. But if I can’t, if no one can, you’re never going to wake up. You’re never going to talk. You’ll just…”

She takes a deep breath. Her cheeks are wet, and her tears have fallen down into the grass. She pulls off quiet, at least. That’s a success. Steven sleeps, often whining, often whimpering, but still asleep. Pearl takes another deep breath and sighs. “I love you. I miss you. One day, I’ll figure out what to say while you’re awake.”


	2. Sympathy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Amethyst works on her speech for Steven.

“Is that a laptop?” Pearl asks. Amethyst is sitting in the clearing - the one people wait in before they see Steven. Sometimes, you need a minute to collect yourself before you see him. Sometimes you want someone to walk you there, but you want to see him alone. There’s a lot of things people might not want to say in front of everyone that might be the trick to helping Steven.

“I was going through so much paper I was starting to feel like I was killing the planet again.” She holds up the laptop weakly. “So, ta da. Typing. I’m getting the hang of it.”

“It doesn’t have to be perfect,” Pearl says softly. “If it doesn’t work the first time, you can try again.”

Amethyst shook her head with a whine. “I could make it all worse, Pearl. What if I say something and he gets bigger? Or he loses his eyes? Or he starts screaming again?” She gasps, rocking back against the tree she’s sitting under as if she’s been hit. “I can’t do it. I’m not good enough.”

Pearl leans against the tree, looking down at her. “What did you say to Steven all those years ago? We’ll love it even if it’s bad? That probably applies.”

“Oh yeah? When’s your day shift?” Amethyst snaps.

Pearl looks away. Apparently, those weren’t the right words for Amethyst. She closes her eyes and tries less sass, more honesty. “Please don’t be cruel. I’m trying to help.”

“We’re going backwards,” Amethyst whispers. “We’re fighting like we used to.”

“We’re stressed.”

“We’re going backwards without him!” She whines and groans and pants, the laptop slipping off her. “Pearl, we pulled our weapons on him. What’s wrong with us? What’s wrong with me? He freaked out and I went for my whip like a monster.”

“But you didn’t hit him,” Pearl says, quickly kneeling beside her. This again. This happens to much, nowadays, and she’s never sure how to make it stop. “You ran for help.”

“And that’s so much better?” she says, voice breaking. “Everything I’ve ever done comes out wrong. I’m an overcooked mess. I’m not even a good quartz! I can’t be here. I can’t do this! I’m not good enough!”

Inspiration. Pearl tugs Amethyst’s hands down from where they’re starting to pull out her hair and says, “You know who you sound like right now?”

Her eyes flick to the trees beyond.

“Just like him. Maybe this is what you should talk to him about,” Pearl says, and lets her go. Lets her work it out.

She says, “When he… when he turned, he was talking about all the bad stuff he did. Like, he dealt with everything Rose and Pink did, but now stuff he did was coming up, and he couldn’t…he couldn’t take it. He started talking about whether or not he was supposed to be alive, whether Rose made the right choice. I tried to talk to him but he…”

Amethyst groans, curling up. “No, no, no.”

“Keep breathing. Deep and slow. You’ll be okay.” Pearl strokes her back. Patience and time and love. That’s all that could really be done when Amethyst got this way.

“So, I just go tell him I feel worthless too?” Amethyst asks. “Hey, Steven, I know you’re bummed but I also didn’t ask to be made so we can feel bad together.”

“Better than feeling bad alone,” Pearl points out.

That makes her snort. “Okay, but what if I mess up again?”

“Then we’ll probably be in the same place we were before.” Pearl sighs. “I don’t know what else to say. It really can’t get worse than this. At least you can show him he’s not alone.”

“Is that enough?” Amethyst says.

_Am I enough?_ Hangs in the air.

Pearl takes her hand. “I love you.”

“I love you too.” She squeezes.

“Would you like to fuse?” Pearl asks softly. “I know it always helps me when I need a chance to catch my breath.”

Amethyst hums a little something, soft and slow, and her hand tugs against Pearl’s to twirl her. Dip her. She falls into Amethyst, into Opal, and breathes. Everything is soft and still like this, so unlike other fusions. That’s why Opal is so tricky, so impermanent. She’s the moments of peace in front of a hushing ocean. The silent moment right before the bow string snaps forward.

Their relationship will never be smooth, but that’s alright. All the bickering and teasing and real, deep arguments in the world can’t ruin these blissful minutes of being together. They enjoy the smell of grass, the ocean beyond. They soothe storms of fear and anger and the low, endless hum of _good enough?_ that tries to split them apart.

When they split, it’s on their own terms, when Amethyst is calm and determined.

“That’s enough for me,” she says, forcing a smile. “Let’s see if my speech is enough for Steven.”

Amethyst gives her speech.

She comes back looking confused. “Well, uh, I didn’t think it’d make him any better, but… Okay, I can’t tell for sure, but I think he got a little smaller? And he made me this?”

There’s a rose blossom cradled in her hands, pink petals edged with white. They squeal and smile and hug and twirl, careful not to damage the flower in the slightest. It’s something. It’s hope.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Little bit of hope this time. Less hopeful next time.
> 
> Next time, Garnet tells the story of what they did, and pins her hope on someone else.


	3. Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Garnet tells a story about love and wonders if she deserves it.

“I’m going to tell him today,” Garnet says, meeting Pearl in the clearing for the changing shifts.

“Are you sure?” Pearl frowns. “Maybe he shouldn’t know. Maybe some secrets are meant to be kept.”

“Some things are private,” Garnet agrees. “But secrets aren’t good. Steven should know the truth. Nothing good can come from keeping it from him.”

Pearl sees Rose in front of her, winking, giggling. _Shh. Hush. No one needs to know. And I’ll never tell you about Bismuth. I’ll never tell you about my lion. I’ll never tell you about lots of things, Pearl, and you’re going to think I’m just perfect._

“You’re right,” Pearl feels a chill down her spine, but the wind is still. “He has to know what we almost did. That we…”

Garnet says nothing, and Pearl swallows. Maybe it would be better if she stopped talking, but she can’t. “Amethyst said we’re going backwards without him.”

“Maybe. He has inspired a lot of changes in us.” Garnet folds her arms across her chest. “He’s been a good leader, Pearl.”

“Humanity is good for us,” Pearl agrees uncertainly, but something prickles at the back of her neck.

“That’s why it’s good we still have Connie around. Someone can hold us accountable.”

Pearl cannot explain the dread that fills her stomach at that. There’s something wrong, so very wrong, and so very familiar that she doesn’t know what Garnet says next, because he mind is reeling as she tries to place it. There’s something in that about Steven. There’s something about Rose. Wasn’t there a video?

_Take care of them, Steven._

“We can take care of ourselves,” Pearl whispers, drowning in pink and white. “We should hold ourselves accountable.”

Red bursts through. Garnet’s hand. “Come with me, Pearl. I don’t want to be alone when I tell him.”

Pearl’s head snaps up. “You’re never alone.”

“I can still be lonely.” She hesitates, hand starting to fall. “I can be scared.”

Pearl catches it, stepping close. “No, it’s okay. I understand. Of course I’ll come with you, Garnet.”

They go to him. He does seem a bit smaller today, but he’s so big it’s hard to tell. He rumbles, something they think is a happy sound, as they reach out to pat his face. His skin is like a snake’s, beaded but smooth. He doesn’t look much like a snake, of course. He does have some legs, somewhere far away. He doesn’t use them, though. He barely even moves his head.

“I have another story today. One about love, Steven,” Garnet says. Her hand rests on one of the thorns that juts from his head. They’re pointed, but not sharp. “And it’s a true story. It’s hard to tell you, but I hope that knowing everything that has happened will help you understand.”

Pearl wishes she could stand back far enough that she doesn’t have to hear, but Garnet asked her to be there. There’s nothing she can do but stay close and listen, and when Garnet starts to speak, all her words slice through the folded up layers of Pearl’s mind, splaying the memories before her like pages ripped from a notebook.

_When you corrupted, Steven, we didn’t believe it. We didn’t know what to do._

“It’s him!” Amethyst screams, tugging on Garnet’s leg. “I swear! I saw it happen!”

“You’re wrong,” Garnet says, barely glancing her way. “Pearl, get on the phone for reinforcements. A monster this size is going to need all the help we can get.”

“Garnet, listen to me. He transformed _in front of me_! I _know_ it’s him! I’m not playing around!”

She’s silent for a moment, slowly looking down to Amethyst. “I didn’t see this coming. I don’t see it ending. Let’s get to Little Homeworld and we’ll settle it there.”

_We brought everyone we knew together, hoping someone would know what to do, but no one did._

“It can’t be Steven!” Lapis says, her hand clutched to her heart. “He’s Pink Diamond! The others never would hurt him!”

Amethyst looks down. “He did it to himself.”

“With some kind of experiment?” Peridot squeaks.

“Or a weapon?” Bismuth asks.

Everyone looks so heartbroken, so scared, as Amethyst shakes her head. “I think he’s sick.”

_And we were about to make a terrible choice, to risk hurting you._

“We’ll take him to the pool,” Garnet decides for the group. “However we have to get him there. There should be enough Diamond essence left to heal him. Everyone arm up.”

Nephrite F413 says softly, “We just have to be gentle. Maybe if we’re lucky we won’t have to hurt him much.”

“_Much?_” Connie yelps. She’s staring, already in her low, wide stance. Pearl notices her weight is a little off balance to the left, and aches to correct it. But she really shouldn’t. Connie’s practically an adult now, isn’t she? Humans grow so fast. It must be all in Pearl’s head that her and Steven look so young. “What do you mean won’t have to hurt him _much_? You mean we won’t have to hurt him.”

“Connie,” Garnet says. Patient. Calm. Wonderful. Pearl steps closer to her, grateful for the grounding. “Even Steven understood that the corrupted gems needed to be bubbled. We can’t risk you learning the lesson the same way he did. If you can’t fight, stay home and protect Beach City.”

_But Connie wouldn’t let us._

“He’s Steven,” Connie whispers. “What are you talking about? He’d never hurt anyone.”

“He’s not Steven right now,” Garnet says.

“He’s sick!” she cries. “He’s still Steven! You’re not all really…”

Connie trails off as she looks around, seeing the weapons in everyone’s hands. In Pearl’s hands. She looks so hurt, so betrayed, actually staggering back a step as she realizes she’s the only one with her sword still put away. Pearl feels the shame burning on her face, but they can’t really just let a titan run around, possibly destroying Beach City. Talking has never worked with corrupted gems before. Not really.

“Steven isn’t here,” Garnet says coolly. “We have to do what we know how to do.”

_She stood her ground against all of us, and never drew her weapon._

Her hands lash out, ripping Peridot’s trash can lid from her arms, making the little gem yelp with surprise. For the briefest moment, Pearl wonders if Connie is going for the smallest of them first, if Peridot is the only one she thinks she can take. But, no. If only it were that. It would be so much easier if it were that.

The girl holds the trash can lid in front of her, sword still tucked away on her back. Without Steven, there’s no way to fuse. She has no magic. No bubble. No way to protect herself without drawing her weapon on them, but how could she? Of course Connie would never hurt them. Of course she would never point her weapon at the people who gave it to her.

Connie clutches the trash can lid in front of her, the closest thing to Steven’s shield she can manage, and shakes her head. “Please. We don’t have to fight.”

“Don’t make this hard,” Garnet warns, taking a step closer.

She doesn’t flinch, and the betrayal is gone, replaced with a snarl. “You’re the one making it hard! He’s been gone an hour and your gauntlets are back on!”

“He needs help.”

“And this is what help looks like?” she shouts.

_We argued with her for a long time, trying to find a way to save you._

Garnet’s gauntlets vanish. “I’m not going to hurt you. I know he means a lot to you, but he means a lot to all of us.”

“Defuse,” Connie snaps. “I want to talk to Ruby and Sapphire.”

Amethyst growls. “That’s not cool, Connie.”

She’s shouting, tears in her eyes as she raises her makeshift shield higher, as her stance lowers because her knees are weak and she’s nearly falling to the ground. “I want to ask Ruby and Sapphire what they’d do! Break up right now! Or be honest and tell me what they’re thinking!”

“It doesn’t matter what Ruby and Sa-”

Connie’s eyes are suddenly on Pearl’s. “If it was Rose?”

Pearl looks away. There’s no need to answer the obvious. The real question is whether she could use her weapon on Steven at all, because Pearl thinks if they’re going to fight him she’s not going to be able to do it. It broke her heart every time she disarmed him in training, she can’t imagine her blade sinking into him, even in his terrifying new shape.

But the spear is in her hand, isn’t it?

“Connie, poofing looks bad but-” Bismuth begins.

“Don’t you dare,” Connie spits. “Don’t you _dare!_”

_And she struck a bargain. We would give her a chance._

She holds the silver lid to her chest, both arms wrapping around it as she slowly steps back. Lion nuzzles her, licks a tear off her face. “I’m going to save him, and anyone can come with me. If I’m not back by nightfall, you can go kill him.”

Garnet staggers back. “We’re not going to-”

“I’m going to get Mr. Universe.” Connie reaches up and pulls the blade - her pretty, shiny blade, the star beautiful and bright on the hilt. It lands in the dust with a dull thud. “Thanks for letting me borrow that, Bismuth. It was useful.”

“It was a gift,” she says.

“No. It really wasn’t.” Connie grabs lion’s mane, swinging up onto his back. Her hand extends to Bismuth, to Garnet, to all of them. “A gift would be someone coming with me. Someone else proving to Steven they’re not afraid.”

No one moves, and Garnet finally growls, finally snaps. “He’s going to kill you, Connie!”

“Steven would never hurt me,” she says flatly.

“I see hundreds of futures where he does!” Garnet’s gauntlets are back on as she looks up at her. “He bites you in half! He swallows you whole! He crushes you! You don’t make it back alive, not in anything I see!”

“Anyone?” Connie asks, looking straight past Garnet. No one moves. No one speaks. And Connie’s hand falls. Her gaze darkens. “When you wonder why this happened, remember this moment, right now. Remember that none of you came.” Her voice cracks suddenly, her eyes full of tears again. “It’s my fault too, but at least I’m going to do something good to make up for it.”

Is that how it works? Can anything make up for this? For years of needing Steven and never giving enough in return? Lion roars and portals away, and Pearl makes the decision then to slip away soon and follow her. After all, when this doesn’t go well, Connie will be grateful to have someone yank her out of the jaws of a corrupted beast.

_And somehow, she saved you. You remember that part. And when I came to find you._

“He’s fine,” Garnet says, and sinks to the ground beside her. Pearl stares, seeing the tears roll down her cheeks. “He didn’t hurt anyone.”

“You’ve never been this wrong before, have you?” Pearl whispers, touching her shoulder. “It’s okay. How could you have known?”

“I’m supposed to be love.”

Pearl doesn’t know how to answer that. The worst of it is that she’s still Garnet. That Ruby and Sapphire have broken like puzzle pieces, perfectly fitting together even at this moment. Pearl wishes Ruby and Sapphire were here for once. It would be nice to share that weakness, for all of them to be afraid together again.

_Connie has really stepped up to help you. She wears your jacket now, Steven._

Amethyst claps Connie on the shoulder, making her stumble as they stand at the Beach House, which is slowly filling with books on philosophy and religion and psychology. “You look good in that, girl.”

“I…what?” The girl looks dazed, slowly glancing down. “Oh. Yeah. Um, I like wearing his clothes. It’s a human thing. It smells like him, and it’s kind of like he’s here.”

“You’re pulling it off,” Amethyst insists. “Looks almost as good as he did.”

Garnet asks, “How does it feel?”

She tugs the jacket tighter around her, her arms crossing over her belly. “Heavy.”

_We all love you. Especially Connie. Maybe you can focus on her, and that can bring you back?_

It doesn’t work, and when Garnet’s getting ready to leave for the night, Pearl says, “I know you’re an answer, Garnet. The answer. But I don’t think your answer is the right one this time. Maybe try something else, something different? There’s so much more to you than love.”

“What’s wrong with love?” Garnet says.

“Nothing at all. Love’s wonderful,” Pearl says with a nervous smile. “But I don’t know if it’s good to act as if Connie’s going to be the one to fix this. It could be anyone.”

“Only Steven could stop the Diamonds, because they loved him,” Garnet says. “Only Connie can help Steven, because he loves her.”

“He loves all of us,” Pearl corrects, very gently. Very softly.

“We were wrong, Pearl. We tried to hurt him.” She lowers her head, crying again. It's so painful to see Garnet cry. “I don’t think we deserve that love anymore.”

Pearl considers that, remembering his smile. His music. His light. She remembered him shining it on Lapis, on Peridot, on Jasper and Navy and the Diamonds. Steven’s love never seemed to be much about who deserved it. Pearl’s hand slides into Garnet’s. “You don’t get to decide who loves you. I think he still does. He always seems noisier when he hears your stories.”

“I don’t think that’s enough. None of my stories are. Not even this one.” She closes her eyes. “I didn’t get a rose like Amethyst did. I must have done something wrong.”

“I love you,” Pearl says, because it’s all she has to give.

“I love you too,” Garnet says back.

They hug, wishing things could be different.

Pearl takes the night shift.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm nearly done with the whole story, and once I am I'll quickly push these out every day or so! I'd like to get past the angst and into the healing.
> 
> Next time, Lapis tells Steven that forgiveness is always waiting.


	4. Forgiveness

“You’re a human!” Peridot shouts. “Don’t you know how your own stupid brain works?”

Connie nearly knocks Pearl off the stairs as she storms out of the house into the dawn light. She stumbles back, curses, and shaking hands fumble at her bag until a small, thin can emerges. It pops open with a hiss.

“You should sleep instead of drinking those,” Pearl says.

If looks could kill.

“You don’t get to tell me what to do anymore.” Connie chugs the energy drink in a few big gulps, then shoves the empty back in her bag, where it clunks against the full ones. She talks as she does. “It’s Lapis’ shift. You can deal with her and Peridot, because, apparently, they don’t want to be apart but they don’t want to go together.”

“They’re struggling.” Pearl longs to touch her shoulder, pat her head. “Be patient with them.”

“They’re thousands of years old,” Connie snaps. “I’m sixteen. But, okay, I’ll be the patient one. I’ll be in charge. So follow my orders and get Lapis out to the damn clearing.”

“Connie!” she gasps.

“Oooh, a whole curse word. Better be careful! If I get too mean you’ll all try to stab me too.” Connie shoves past her, storming down the stairs. She has school to get to.

Pearl heads inside with a sigh. “Lapis?”

She’s lying on the dinner table, draped across it and pretty as a painting with a book in her hand. It’s a small one, which Pearl has come to dread far more than the textbooks. The pamphlets always feel much heavier. She looks slowly up to Pearl. “I was going to go no matter what. Her and Peridot just started fighting. It doesn’t have anything to do with me.”

“You’re the one who said I couldn’t come!” Peridot shouts.

“It’s my private time with Steven. You can’t come with me everywhere.” Lapis pushes herself up like she’s moving through mud. “She’s so clingy. Let’s just get going before she starts up again.”

Peridot shrieks with rage, but Lapis is on the move, and Pearl has to make a choice. She looks between the two of them, and sighs as she follows Lapis. Only one has the chance of helping Steven right now. And, as terrible as it is, Pearl knows that most people will speak loud enough, or want someone close by enough, that if she goes with them she can hear whatever they say. She knows a lot of secrets about her friends now. It doesn’t feel any better than the first secret she was given.

But they go to him and Lapis says, “So, you coming or what?”

“You want me there?” Pearl asks, though it isn't surprising. “You didn’t want Peridot.”

“Yeah, well, I care what she thinks about me.” She shrugs. “But I don’t want to be all alone right now.”

“It's a common feeling.” She follows her into the clearing.

Steven gives a rumble that Pearl is pretty sure is cheerful. All of Steven’s noises are rumbly. The growls vary a bit in pitch and and timbre and it’s really not the best way of communicating, and they rarely do more than one for yes two for no. It’s hard to tell what he’s feeling, and everything always feels like a guess. He’s a captive audience forced to listen to them as they monologue about their feelings.

So, really, that part hasn’t changed at all.

“Hey, big guy.” Lapis waves awkwardly. “How are…yeah. That’s not a good question. You’re not good. And you probably don’t want to be called big guy. I messed this up again and we’re thirty seconds in.”

She looked back at Pearl. “You want a turn?”

“No, thank you. It’s your time Lapis. Just try again.” She smiles a little at Steven, sure that there’s affection in his eyes. “You’re just happy she came to see you, right?”

He lifts his head a little and makes his softest rumble, breathy and almost not intimidating. He uses one of his thorns to flip up her bangs and she smiles, even lets out a short laugh. “Steven! Okay. I’ll try again.”

She takes a deep breath, leaning against his face. “I’ve messed up a lot. Too much. And I really thought no one would ever forgive me. I don’t think they should have. I don’t think I really deserve forgiveness.”

Pearl frowns as the word deserve bounces around her brain. It really seems to come up a lot in these talks, and it’s really starting to eat at her for some reason. She folds the idea away and files it.

“I stole the ocean, and after talking to everyone it sounds like that was a really big deal. I mean, wow. Humans really like water, don’t they? And need water. And fish live in it? I have no idea how any of you guys even talk to me after that. It’s really bad. And that’s kind of everything I did for a long time. Just a lot of being bad and being mean and being very…”

She rests her head against his thorn. “Very not Steven, I guess. So, I don’t think I can help you get better. I’m not good at helping people. You probably remember that. All the bad stuff at the barn. So, since everyone else has a better chance of helping you, I thought that I could maybe give you some hope about what happens after you do a big bad thing, but everyone is really nice.”

Lapis stands up straight, and Pearl hopes that her speech might finally come together. “You’re a big scary guy and you did a bunch of scary things. And now, you feel like garbage, because you did garbage stuff. So, if you did garbage stuff, you’re a garbage person. And everyone’s going to remember that you’re garbage forever.”

Pearl does her best not to close her eyes in frustration and fails, but she does smother a groan. Lapis is certainly trying her best.

“But that’s not what happens,” she says quickly. “I thought that’s what it would be like, that no one would ever want to talk to me again. But, I guess, everyone does really awful stuff sometimes. And everyone is so busy thinking about how their awful stuff is making them look awful, that they don’t have the time to think about how you’re awful.”

A rose blooms on Steven’s head, then dissolves into petals, floating up into the sky. Her jaw drops for a moment, and she looks back at him. “Okay! When I moved in with Peridot and I was so mean to her and hurt her feelings I was sure we’d never be friends! I was sure she was going to find out what I did and who I was and think I was bad forever, but she didn’t. She found out, but she didn’t hate me.”

More roses, more petals into the sky, and Pearl gawks as they go. Lapis just keeps talking, “When this is all over, Steven, people aren’t going to hate you forever. You don’t have to be guilty forever. People won’t always look at you and think of you like this. We’ve all already forgiven you! We can move past this together!”

She beams, leaning forward to rest on his face. “Everything can go back to how it used to be. You can go back to being Steven! We’ll love you just like we did before, I promise! Nothing has to change.”

The petals twist away in the wind and stop coming. Steven rumbles, pushing at her, and Pearl thinks that he might have lost a foot of height in his face. He’s shrunk quite a bit, and the sky is full of pink and white. She stares up at it, and Lapis fumbles for more to say, but that was all she had. She made her point. Soon, she’s just talking about her favorite episodes of terrible TV shows, and the sky is clear.

Pearl replays the speech over and over in her mind, and tries to pin the moment the roses stop blooming, tries to understand why they started in the first place. Tries to understand why Garnet didn’t get one at all.

When she takes Lapis to the beach house, she says, “You know that things do change when you do bad things, right? People move on, but things do change.”

She shrugs. “My life hasn’t changed much.”

“You’re back!” Peridot squeals, bursting through the door and hugging her tight. “I thought I’d never see you again!”

“Clingy,” Lapis says, rubbing her head fondly. “Was the not-Steven mean to you while I was out?”

Disgust burns at the back of Pearl’s throat. She leaves before she can work out why.


	5. Despair

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Art by the wonderful [Suf-fering!](https://suf-fering.tumblr.com/)

It’s Connie’s turn for the day shift, and Pearl comes to the beach house hoping that she’s finally gotten some sleep. From the way she stands, her whole body wobbling, it doesn’t seem likely.

There’s a book in her hands as she stares into the crackling fireplace. Her wrist flicks, and the book lands and smothers the flames, before they begin to lick and curl around the soft cover. She stares, voice hoarse. “That was a terrible read.”

“What are you _doing_?” Peridot gasps. “Why would you burn it? We’ve got to get another one now!”

“No, we don’t.” Connie grins. Giggles. “No one needs to read that one. Or any of these. None of them are any good.”

“Then what are we supposed to do, Connie?” she says.

Pearl frowns. No. There’s something wrong.

Lapis holds up her book, inclining her head. “Should we all throw our books in the fire?”

And it’s so familiar.

“I’m sure Connie had a good reason,” Garnet says. “We never knew what Steven was planning either.”

Oh. Oh. Oh dear. Oh stars. Oh no. The world is moving too slow as Pearl steps forward. She has to grab Connie and do something. Cover her ears. Take off that jacket. Who let her put on that jacket? She’s so far away.

Amethyst is crying again. “Just stop being so weird and tell us what to do!”

Pearl’s hand is on Connie’s wrist, and she screams. She fumbles backward, her head sounding like the book landing on the logs as it slams against the hardwood. The scream stops, replaced with panting, mad scrambling backwards.

“About Steven!” Amethyst rushes forward. “I meant about Steven!”

She’s out the door, just a blur of pink as her feet pound down the stairs into darkness. No one is doing anything. No one is moving. The fire snaps and crackles as it eats the book away.

“We’re not doing this again.” Pearl clenches her fists and looks around the rest of the room.

“Doing what?” Garnet asks. Lapis throws her book in the fire without a thought.

There’s not enough time for that, for any of this. Pearl doesn’t know what the human equivalent of corruption is, but she knows it can’t be good. She will not lose another one, and if she does this right, she gets to keep two.

Pearl follows Connie out into the night and struggles as she drowns in memories, clawing her way in and out of flashes of little moments she saw. Steven and Connie, the only human children she’s ever really known, growing up together side by side. Watching them smile and laugh and learn. Watching something change.

No, not change. Grow. The seed was always there.

* * *

* * *

“Yeah, Mom left me a big magical destiny, but I’m still learning to use my powers.”

“Really? My mom just wants me to become a doctor.”

“But that’s so cool! Doctors help people!”

“So do magical destinies. I think yours is bigger.”

“No way!”

* * *

“Garnet’s the leader now, but I think she misses Mom. She really likes it when I’m in charge on missions.”

“That’s amazing! So you’re going to be the leader when you grow up?”

“I guess so. I haven’t really thought about what I want to be when I grow up. What about you?”

“I don’t know. But all my teachers say that I can do whatever I put my mind to. I test really well.”

“You could be anything? Like the president?”

“Sure! Why not?”

* * *

“Amethyst was really upset because she, I mean… I’ve got a lot of powers, and she says I’ll be as strong as Rose soon, and Rose was even stronger than Garnet. I guess I’ve got a lot to live up to.”

“I’m sure you can do it, Steven. You’re amazing! You’re learning all your powers so fast and you fight so well. I mean, I barely bring anything to Stevonnie. It’s all you.”

“What? No! It’s all you! If it wasn’t for your sword skills and you thinking about all those fighting strategies I’d just fall on my face. You’re the only reason Stevonnie is any good.”

“You’re the only reason there’s a Stevonnie!”

“So are you!”

* * *

"When you're president, what am I supposed to do?"

"I’m going to be the president?"

“Isn’t that what you wanted?”

* * *

"Well, if you're fulfilling your magical destiny ruling the galaxy I better at least be president, right?"

"Ruling the galaxy?"

“Yeah, with the Diamonds. Isn’t that what they want you for?”

* * *

"I just want to keep up with you."

"I don't want you to leave me behind."

"There's so much going on in your life."

"All of it seems so big and important.”

"I want you to fulfill your potential."

"There's so much you could do. So much you could be."

"I don't want to hold you back."

* * *

Pearl had watched when Connie went to Steven. She and Greg were on Lion’s back, rushing up on a high cliff, far out in the woods.

Connie did nothing special to calm down Steven on his rampage. She stood on that cliff and when he came for her, she didn't flinch. His head came close, she held out her hand, and when his warm skin rested against hers, his breath coming in hot hurricane gusts against her body, she said, "Hey, Steven."

Greg came and stood beside her, his hand resting on a thorn. His eyes were filled with tears, his voice choked. “Oh, schtu-ball. You’ve been having a hard time, huh?”

It was that easy. Everyone had drawn their weapons, but it was that easy.

They really were a mess without him.

* * *

* * *

Pearl is standing on the streets of Beach City, chasing down Connie. It’s five in the morning, and Steven corrupted two weeks ago. She stumbles a little as she tries to sort herself out, tries to file everything properly away in the new order she’s arranged in her mind. All the memories are tucked away in a new folder. Well, an old folder. It’s the folder where she put every talk from Pink and Rose as she whispered, “What am I supposed to do now?” and “What can I do for them?” and “I don’t know what I’m doing.”

There’s one big one left. The one where she spied. The one she really should have left alone, but is fairly relieved that she didn’t now. She shoves it in the folder as it chokes her, letting it play out. When it’s put away, she can finish this.

* * *

* * *

"Hell is other people, Steven. Have you ever heard that?" she says. Steven has been calm for a while now, but Pearl still worries that he'll suddenly snap. That he’ll try to take a bite out of Connie when she least expects it. That's how she justifies watching from the shadows, anyway, but that’s not the only reason. The other reason is that Connie no longer sleeps. That Connie can be seen staring at things that aren’t there sometimes while her whole body trembles.

"Everyone uses it when they're mad at people or hating the world or whatever, but that's not what it meant. It's this story, this play, where a few people are trapped together in this room. And they're sure they're in hell, because they've all done these awful things, and they start being mean to each other.”

Steven blows at her, ruffling her hair forward, and she snorts. “Okay. That part makes it sound like it's just all about hating people, but then, one of the characters goes to the door. You know, to do that dramatic scene where you beg to be let out. But the door isn't locked at all. It opens. He can leave whenever he wants. But he can't. Because the other people in the room think that he's a coward, and he can't stand letting them think that way. So he just stays, and they all torture each other, hoping that one day they'll all see each other for the good people they think they are.

"That's what hell is other people means. It means everyone else stares at you and judges you and they figure out who you are. You have to be what they want you to be. You have to live up to all those expectations. And the more you fight them, the more everyone thinks it's true.

"Sometimes... A lot lately, I almost wonder if it's true. If we're here to torture each other. Everyone seems so perfectly matched to drive each other crazy. Lapis and Peridot? The girl who’s too scared to be left alone with Lapis as her best friend? The girl who can't stop running away? Every time Lapis tries to leave Peridot starts crying, and every time Peridot starts crying Lapis feels like a monster all over again.

"Or what about Pearl and Amethyst? An uptight, obsessive perfectionist shoved alongside someone who can't care about anything because of her own insecurities? So Pearl picks at her and Amethyst lashes back. Amethyst messes with all her perfect things and Pearl freaks out. You couldn't write better drama." She laughs and shakes her head, choking on it as her hand comes up to her head.

"And you and me. I don't know how we didn't fight more. Probably because you're just so nice. But that just made me jealous. We never talked about stuff like that, did we? I love you, Steven, but that doesn't mean I can't get jealous. You're so nice and friendly. You're so good at music. Everyone loves you and you have all these friends and... We never talked about that. About any of the bad stuff.”

She leans against him, sighing, and he sighs back. "It's my fault. Everyone in your life is a mess, Steven. I can't believe you babysit them all the time. I always knew it. You told me about it. I saw the pieces. And the more I put the puzzle together the less I wanted to talk about my problems.

"Every day was just so perfect together. I'd get up and I'd think, _Today's the day I tell Steven I'm really worried about the future. Today's when I tell him I can't just work hard and become the president. There's luck involved. And I don't even know what I want to do with my life yet!"_

She looks down at her hands, fidgeting in her lap. "But then I'd think, it's such a perfect day. It's so nice. I'm just going to ruin it. And the next day I'd think again, it's such a great day. Why ruin it? And I thought that for so many days that, one day, I just didn't think it at all. Instead, I thought, You know, Steven's been through a lot and he's holding it together. I should just be like Steven. So I swallowed it down. All this time, you were probably doing the same thing. We could have talked about it. We could have dealt with it. I just... Ugh. Anxiety's making me tired. Sorry. Hold on."

She reaches into her bag, fishing out a little can of coffee, black and sugar free, and finishes it in a couple of gulps. He rumbles, and she rolls her eyes. "What, you don't like that I'm drinking coffee now? I stopped with the energy drinks for you."

Pearl almost leaps forward as Steven's head moves, but it's just to hook a thorn on the backpack, upending it and spilling an assortment of coffee cans, energy drinks, protein drinks and tiny, concentrated energy shots. He rumbles again, and this one send terror down Pearl’s spine. It’s louder than any she’s heard before. Deeper. Rougher.

Connie just pulls her knees up to her chest and mumbles, "Don't yell at me. It's for studying."

His head pushes softly against her back, and he rumbles again, but it's a little higher this time, more air scattering the sound so it comes out softer.

"I love you too," she whispers.

Her head stays in her lap, so she doesn’t see the petals start to fly as she continues.

"I'm sorry. I'm still hiding it. Still lying. Everyone was a burden on you and I didn't want to be. But that wasn't the right choice either, was it? Instead, I was just making it look like I had it together, like I could deal with everything we've been through. I just made you feel worse. I'm supposed to be your best friend, the other human you can talk to about human stuff, and I probably just made you feel like more of a failure. I made you feel like you needed to be perfect, because I acted like I thought you were perfect.

"Even loving each other, we're still finding ways to make life hell. It doesn't seem like there's anything to do. We're reaching peak oil. The world is getting hot. The ice caps are melting. The economy's definitely going to crash hard in our lifetime. Wealth inequality is growing. And all the grown ups keep looking at us like oh, yeah. You guys can fix it, right? We were too busy dealing with our own problems to make sure everything was going to be okay for you. You'll figure it out."

She groans into her knees. "I haven't figured anything out! I'm starting to think no one has anything figured out! We're all idiots, stumbling around, torturing each other, and keeping everything miserable locked away because we're supposed to be better. We're supposed to make everyone else better, no matter what. And every mistake we make just proves that we can't, and that the world's never going to get any better and... And this is it, Steven. I really think that sometimes, more and more.

"There's a whole galaxy we could have run out and explored together, all on our own. Stevonnie walking through the wonders of space, never having to deal with anyone's stupid problems ever again. There's warp pads everywhere. So why are we here? Why are we trying to be everything they want? Nobody locked the door, Steven."

She finally, finally looks up. She looks at the roses flying away on the wind. "But you want to meet their expectations. Be the person that they wanted you to be when they said you could be anything, and they meant anything big. Be the leader the Diamonds desperately need. And don't you dare make a mistake when talking to a bad guy, because shouldn't you be perfect? How dare you not magically know the perfect words to say to Spinel the first time - Gees, just, go _die_ Ronaldo, you absolute tool. I can't believe he said that to your _face_!"

She grabs her backpack, putting the strap in her mouth, and bites hard, muffling her frustrated scream. She spits it out and shouts, "I just wanna drive in your car and make out after a bad indie rock show and sneak a joint off of the cool kids! And, you know, I'm probably not going to like the joint! But I want to make some bad decisions and not have it be the end of the world and have everyone look at me like I'm some kind of monster because I thought, maybe, we could take a minute to _dance_ when everything was-" She grits her teeth. "I just want to be a stupid kid and figure out what I want to do with my life. Is that too much to ask?"

Steven rumbles, the clearing full of rose petals. Some are flying away, many have gotten tangled up in each other, laying on the ground where they slowly, slowly fade into sparkling pink. Connie picks one up and turns it over in her hands.

"I’m hallucinating again, Steven,” she says softly. He gives two loud, insistent growls, and she waves her hand distractedly. “It’s flowers this time. It’s not bad like the spiders. But I should really get some sleep.”

She turns to look up at him with a sigh. “But how? Everyone says I’m supposed to help you, just like you helped everyone else. I’m supposed to be hopeful when you aren’t. I’m supposed to be you and I’m not that good. I’m not that nice. I don’t know how you lived like this for years, Steven.”

She sits in a field of roses and whispers, “I just wish there was some hope.”

* * *

* * *

It’s done. It’s put away.

Steven knows he is not Rose Quartz. He knows he is not Pink Diamond. The world, however, has plenty more waiting for him. Realizing something you’re not isn’t exactly the best remedy to finding out what you are. The gap "I'm not Rose Quartz" has left behind has been filled with a million little expectations piled on and piled on until there’s nothing but weight on his shoulders pushing him down and down and down into the pit of despair. That’s where Steven is. That’s where they put him.

Steven’s pit is a monster, too big to hide and too broken to speak.

Connie’s pit is the picked lock of a pharmacy in the sleepy, low-crime town of Beach City, where there’s few electric locks or alarm systems. Her pit is the cold blue light of her phone reflecting off bottles of energy drinks as she crams them into her backpack. It’s shaking hands and jumping at shadows and a diet of protein bars.

“That’s enough,” Pearl says.

Connie screams, a practically feral screech that sounds like one of Steven’s pitched up rumbles. She clutches her backpack to her chest and snarls, “What are you doing here?”

“What I should have done a long time ago,” she says. “I’m taking the day shift.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All uphill from here.


	6. Existential Nihilism

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Beautiful art this chapter by the amazing [LoveLuckyLost](https://loveluckylost.tumblr.com/)

Connie and Pearl stare at each other in the unlit shop. Everything is dark.

“Taking the day shift? Is that what you’re doing?” Connie grips the glass door with one hand, the other pointing her phone at Pearl, so bright it’s hard to even see the human girl in the dark. “Fine. Give me a second to finish up and I’ll come with you.”

“Can you?” Pearl gestures to the trembling hand, the terrible wobbly stance. “Doesn’t look like you’re doing well. How much sleep have you gotten, Connie? How much of that garbage of you been filling yourself with just to keep going?”

“Don’t.” Connie groans and waves the phone wildly.

“You’re _stealing_,” Pearl whispers. “You don’t want to do this, Connie, and you don’t have to. Just let me help you.”

“You?” she shouts, a hysterical bark of laughter rips at her raw throat. “You’re going to help me? Oh, good. Just like you gave me a sword and told me to die for Steven? I was twelve when you told me I was worthless! When you told me only Steven mattered! Congratulations, Pearl! It _stuck_!”

“I know,” Pearl says, slowly stepping forward. “And I was telling Steven he was everything younger than that. That stuck too.”

Connie snarls again, that awful Steven noise. Her bag clatters to the ground and cans roll down the aisle into the dark. “Shut up! Shut up, Pearl! Go take your shift! Get out! Go do something useful!”

She shakes her head, nearly face to face with her now. “I’m not leaving you like this.”

“I’m _fine_!” she screams. “He’s hurting! We have to do something! We have to fix him! I’m reading the books and I’m taking as many shifts as I can and I’m keeping Lapis and Peridot from fighting so what the hell do you _want_?” Her voice cracks. “Please, Pearl, what else can you possibly want from me? I’m doing everything and it’s still not enough.”

“You have a choice, Connie,” Pearl says gently. “And here’s the one you want - You’re going to put all those cans back where you found them. We’re going to have a good cry. We’re going to go get Steven, and then the two of you can take a nice, long sleep. I’m going to keep everyone off your backs and you’re both going to go see a therapist. It’s long overdue.”

“Would you _shut up_? You don’t get to tell me what to do anymore!” She slams the door shut, and looks around. But there’s no sword. No shield. No big bad guy to fight. So she doubles over with her hands over her ears and screams and screams and screams until she’s curled up on the floor, her forehead pressing into the linoleum.

Pearl kneels down, waiting for the scream to end, and puts a hand on her back. “And here’s the other option. You keep giving orders. You keep drinking these until they stop working. You find much stronger, much scarier things to keep going. You keep seeing things that aren’t there. You take that little part of yourself that says _I’m not good enough_ and _I should be better_ and _I’m worthless_ and you keep feeding it until that’s almost all that’s left of you. A tiny girl in a big giant monster.

“You can keep being Steven, Connie, but we both know where that path leads.”

Connie slowly looks up, slowly sits up, and takes a long shuddering breath as she starts to slip the jacket off her shoulders. “I’m sorry I wasn’t a very good Steven.” She whimpers and shakes. “I’m sorry I’m not a good Connie.”

“Not right now,” Pearl agrees, and reaches out to smooth the girl’s wild hair. “But you’re sixteen. You make mistakes, and that’s okay. You’ve got plenty of time to figure it out. You don’t have to be in charge anymore, Connie, and you never should have been in the first place. You don’t have to tell _anyone_ what to do ever again.”

There’s another whimper. A little gasp. A sob. The jacket falls away to the floor, and Connie clings to Pearl in the dark. Every breath draws a new broken cry, shoulders shaking and heaving in the blacked out shop. Her phone rests on the floor, lighting up their dark corner of Beach City. The sun will rise soon.

Pearl holds Connie tight and lets her cry. She does a little crying herself.

One down. One to go.

* * *

“Good morning, Steven,” Pearl says. She has set Connie against a nearby tree. All her focus shifts to him.

Even his face is still taller that her, his eyes bright pink in dark hollows as he slowly moves forward to delicately nuzzle her. Even as big as he is, Steven still manages to be gentle. Pearl strokes his face with a smile, wondering how she ever managed to be afraid of him at all. He’s Steven. Of course he’s Steven.

“I’ve been listening to everyone,” she says. “I’ve been trying to figure out who you give roses to and who you don’t. When you stop. I don’t assume you’re doing it on purpose. The roses make you shrink, and if you could have given them all away by now, you would have. One sound if I’m right, two if I’m wrong, as usual.”

Steven rumbles once and nuzzles her again. There we go. That’s _something_, isn’t it? They’ve done this a few times before, but there’s still not much communication to be had out of yes and no. For a moment, her mind suddenly fills with the possibility of hex code, and curses herself for not thinking of it earlier, but it doesn’t matter now. She thinks she’s figured it out.

“I think we’ve been putting too much on you over the years, Steven. I think we’ve been asking for a lot out of you and not letting you have much time to yourself. How old were you when you came to live with us? When you started working for the Crystal Gems instead of having a normal life? No school. Barely any friends your own age. Long days of being alone in the house while we were off on missions, and then we’d come home and tell you what a great team member you’d be some day.”

She sighs, resting her head softly against a thorn. “What awful mothers we were. I know we weren’t _really_ mothers, but we were guardians. Acting parents. We didn’t do a very good job of it. Every time you succeeded we praised you and heaped more and more on top. We never gave much thought as to what you might want to do with your life. Never let you explore. That’s not really something gems do, you know, but it’s no excuse. It’s never right to make someone into what you want them to be.

“So here you are, as miserable and self-hating as Pink was all those years ago.” She closes her eyes, feeling them burn. “As miserable as Rose was before she made you. And I am glad she made you, Steven, I love you, but she _chose_ to die to do it. She drowned in too many mistakes and bad memories and I didn’t see it.

“But I see it now. I can see that you don’t think your life is worth much anymore. You’ve thrown it around, not caring if you’ve lost it plenty of times. So.” She takes a deep breath. “Here’s my go at it Steven. Here’s why you should come back and be yourself and how we’re going to make everything better in the future:

“I have spent ten thousand years of serving the most powerful gems in the universe, including you. I’ve spent five thousand of watching humans discover philosophy. Seventeen where I learned that I was wrong about everything and raised a brand new, one of a kind hybrid. And do you know what the big secret is?

“No one knows anything about why we’re here. No one. Gems are born knowing who they’re supposed to be, and it’s just lies, Steven.” She laughs as she steps back, throwing her arms to the side. “Serve the empire for what? To make more gems to serve the empire? What’s it matter? One day we’ll all be ground to dust and recycled, just like humans. It’s not a real purpose. It’s just a distraction from the fact that no one, not a single living things _knows_ why they’re alive.”

Steven rumbles once, his big eyes focusing on hers, his head cocking slowly to the right. She smiles back. “Yes. That’s the truth, that hard-to-admit truth. But, it means no one’s keeping score. No one’s earning points. No one earns the right to be alive at all. It’s just something that happens to you one day and stops happening to you another.

“You didn’t shatter Lapis. You didn’t shatter Peridot. You didn’t shatter the Diamonds. If anyone could earn their way out of living, Steven, I think it’d be them. But you knew it wasn’t your place to decide. You don’t get to choose who earns it. You only get to choose what you do with it. So far, you’ve spent your life helping other people. It’s a good choice.”

She smiles, closing her eyes as memories flit across the inside of her eyelids. “I had to make the same choice after Rose. It would have been so easy to leave. I could have run off somewhere, worked on something to throw me into the sun and end it. But I thought, _maybe if I do a good job, she won’t have died for nothing. Maybe if I do a good job, I’ll have a reason to live_.

“And living for her legacy was… wrong.” Pearl shakes her head, throat tightening at the painful admittance. “Maybe it would have been right for someone else, but for me, it was wrong. I could never be enough, never do enough to feel worthy of her and what she left behind. I pushed that onto you. We all did. And now we’re surprised that you’re going down the same path.”

She lets herself cry, just for a moment, then shakes it off. “But you, Steven! _You_ are a good reason! With every breath I’ve seen you take from watching you the first night in the beach house to this moment right now, life is worth living. All the mistakes and pain and heartbreak I caused, none of that goes away if I leave. It didn’t work for Rose, did it? Because here you are, having to live with the things she did because she was sure someone was keeping score. Some great big force in the universe tallied up points and she didn’t get to live anymore. She hadn’t earned it.

“But you’re the one choosing the points, Steven, just like she was. They’re worth whatever you want. They don’t have to exist at all! You can make life worth living like I do - from Amethyst’s laughter, from hugs from Garnet. It’s worth living for every one of Bismuth’s terrible puns, to watch Peridot and Lapis bicker over their silly show. It’s worth it to make up for all that time I could have had playing music with Greg with I wasted on fighting.”

She laughs, wiping her eyes and glancing back at Connie, staring at Pearl with wide eyed wonder from the tree, and then back to him. “It’d be worth it if I get to see you and Connie grow up together and have children of your own, together or with other people. Maybe not at all, if that’s what you want. Just to see you two grow up happy is enough, however either of you choose to do it. And if you do have kids, maybe I’ll make mistakes like I did with you, but that’ll be okay. Because all the successes are worth so much more. Those moments of happiness, those beautiful moments of being together with people you love. That’s enough.

“You can live for other people, Steven, if that’s what you want. You can do your best and succeed and fail and you’re the only one who gets to decide what that’s worth. Space is big and empty and uncaring. You’ve seen it. You’ll go back to it some day, like we all do. But Earth is warm and loving and none of us are here for very long - not in the grand scheme of things.”

She takes a deep breath, because there are no roses. Everything is still and cool this morning, and there’s so much tension in the air so can barely pull in breath to speak. “So, choose, Steven. Pick a reason. Make up a score. Forget what Rose wanted or what White wanted or whatever anyone else asked from you. We shouldn’t have demanded all those things at all. It’s all about what you want. Find a reason to live and go for it. You can rule the galaxy or have a baby or just make someone smile. It doesn’t have to be big. It just has to be yours.”

She steps forward, her hands resting on his still face. “You can give up like she did, or you can come with me. What do you say?”

Steven thinks. She counts his breaths. Ten pass.

Under her hands, roses began to bloom. More and more and more, sweeping around in a wild gust that wasn’t there just a moment before. Everything is pink and white, but Pearl isn’t drowning in it. It’s wild and beautiful and she’s just swept away in the moment, watching as everything is relief and hope and promise.

And then the roses are gone, and it’s just him. Just Steven. He’s in the same clothes - the flip flops, black shirt, jacket and jeans. They don’t look any worse for wear. Steven doesn’t look much worse for wear, other than the tears on his cheeks and in his eyes and the naked yearning on his face and… and the butterflies.

It takes her a moment to see it in the pale dawn light, but there’s the faint pink outlines of butterflies all across his skin. Hundreds of them. Thousands of them. Like beautiful little stamps of all different sizes drawn across every inch of him that she can see. She stares, not at them, but at him. Because it’s Steven. He’s himself.

And he speaks.

“I want to play music,” Steven says, his voice barely above a whisper. “I wanna sit on the beach with my ukulele while you play the bass and make up songs all summer. I want to try to beat Garnet at rhythm games. I want to make weird food and make Amethyst eat it. I want to go to a rock show with Connie and say all the wrong stuff and… and it’s okay and she loves me anyway.”

“You can do that.” Pearl smiles, throat aching, voice cracking. He’s so far away, and her heart breaks, but she doesn’t want to push it. She doesn’t want to be too much or too needy because he’s _here _and he’s _alive_ and all the butterfly patterns in the world can’t change that.

“I don’t want to be a Diamond. I don’t want to sit on a big throne.” He puts his hands to his eyes and lets out a sob. “I don’t want to be in charge of everyone forever! I don’t want to be the leader of the Crystal Gems right now! I don’t want to spend my whole life fighting. I have to fight every day, Pearl. I’m so tired of fighting all the time. I hate fighting. I’ve always hated fighting.”

“I know.” She rushes forward and hugs him, because she just can’t hold back anymore. She rocks with him, sobbing into his hair. “I know you do. It’s okay. You don’t have to fight anymore, not unless you want to. It doesn’t have to be on you forever. We should have been taking turns.”

He hugs her back, crying into her shoulder. “I just want to make people happy! I want to love my family and my friends and I just want to be normal! Every time I think I can learn to be me and take a break everyone wants more and more and more and it’s never enough! No one’s ever happy! Every time I help I make everything worse! I don’t deserve any of you!”

“No, Steven. That’s not true.” She whispers into his hair. “You get to decide what’s enough, but you don’t get to choose who loves you. We love you, Steven, and that’s never going to change. We forgive you for everything you think you’ve done. We’re going to talk about all of it. We’re going to get through it. We’re going to help you this time, and it doesn’t matter how scary or angry or big you get. We’re going to be there for you no matter what.”

Butterflies, white and fluttering and soft and beautiful, lift of his skin and swirl around them. They’re all different sizes, flying all different speeds, and they fade away slowly. The sun rises high over the cliff as Steven cries about everything he wants, everything he doesn’t want, and what everyone wanted him to be.

And finally, finally, he pulls away and looks up at her, desperation on his face. “I think life’s worth living if I can play a song and make people smile.”

_Is that enough? _hangs in the air.

“That’s a good reason,” she says, laughing through her tears. “That’s enough.”

They sink to the ground and hold each other, crying and laughing, and Steven finally looks up, holding out his hand to Connie. “C’mere. Aren’t you happy I’m back?”

She sobs and races into him, slamming him into the dirt with a kind of force that Pearl really doesn’t think she should be using after the rough time Steven’s had, but he laughs and hugs her back. Pearl looks at them and shakes her head. Wild, silly children. How on earth had they ever thought of them as adults, without even a quarter century under their belts?

“I’m so _stupid,_” Connie says, and Pearl can’t tell if she’s laughing or crying. “Pearl came in with finding your own meaning to life and I brought hell is other people.”

“No, you were right. Hell _is_ other people.” He reaches out for Pearl, and when she lets him take her hand he tugs her close hard, hugging her as tightly as he’s hugging Connie. His voice is breathless and ragged, but the sky is full of butterflies.

“But so is heaven.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just the epilogue left! I'll post it a little later, because I'd like to add a nice author's note to it! Love you all, and thanks so much for the wonderful comments.
> 
> Also, wonderful art from devilzmask! Thank you so much!  
https://pompom-keroppi.tumblr.com/post/188421606602/messy-drawings-for-hadithi-on-ao3-from-chapter-7


	7. Epilogue

Life goes on.

Steven and Connie go to therapy.

The gems go to therapy to assure the doctors that the children are not delusional.

They consider going to therapy for themselves, but do not. Maybe later. They’ll keep an open mind.

* * *

“How’d you take the pressure for so long?” Connie asks. “I didn’t last a month.”

He looks up at her, grinning a little. “You really think you were only struggling for a month?”

They tease and joke and flirt and fuse into Stevonnie, and when they break apart, Connie has dozens of pink butterfly outlines etched into her skin. Her panic makes them shift, smaller ones filling in the gaps of the big ones until Steven can help her breathe.

"I can't do this," she gasps, running her hands over the endlessly shifting mess of more and more and more. She can’t nail it down. She can’t figure out what they’re doing at all. "I don't have the time to make them go away!"

"They were already there," he says softly, squeezing her hands, the tattoos an endless pattern where their fingers lace. "You just can't ignore it anymore."

"I guess not," she says, staring. They’re slowing. After a second, she smiles a little, and they stop spawning altogether. "Kind of nice to have a progress bar for mental health."

He giggles, holding up their locked fingers. "Dad always warned me not to get matching tattoos with my girlfriend. He's gonna be mad."

They laugh and hug and twirl, and a few butterflies zoom off into the sky.

* * *

"I'm sorry," Amethyst says. "I wish I could have helped more. I wish I could have been better. I wish-"

"Hey." He holds out his hand and smiles. "Want to dance?"

Amethyst cautiously holds out her hand. "Do you think it'll happen to me like it happened to Connie?"

"We don't have to, but it's going to be a long time before these go away," he says with a shrug. "If they're there, they're there, Amethyst. Would seeing it be that bad?"

"Maybe not." She takes his hand. "Not worth losing Smoky over, that's for sure."

When they separate, Amethyst only has a couple butterflies, but they're so big it's hard to tell exactly what the pink line is supposed to be. She traces her finger slowly over her leg and hums. “Just a couple big problems, huh? That’s sounds about right.”

“I love you.” He hugs her tight.

“Love you too, Ste-man.” She hugs him back.

* * *

Steven kisses Garnet’s forehead with a smile. “So? See anything?”

“Sunstone,” she says, scooping him up. He laughs giddily as she tosses him up into the air, as easily as when he was barely able to walk and talk, and when she catches him they swirl into light, into Sunstone. There’s no good reason, other than they love each other and it’s fun and there’s no good reason not to, and when they’re done they split apart to do their own things.

Half of Garnet is patterned with tiny little butterflies, and her other half is bare, save for one all filled in pink butterfly, which seems to change position every time he looks away.

He stares, and he really, really wants to ask, but it wouldn’t be polite.

She points to the solid one. “Ruby.”

She runs her finger along the tiny ones. “Sapphire.”

“Is this okay?” he asks softly.

“Of course,” she says. “Everyone loves butterflies.”

* * *

“You haven’t tried to cover me in pink bugs,” Lapis says, hugging him from behind. She used to rest her chin on top of his head when they stood like this, but he’s too tall for that now, even if she gets on tiptoe.

He laughs. “We can if you want. I don’t want you to feel left out.”

"Not really. I've spent thousands of years looking at my problems, Steven," Lapis says. "I know they're there. But I need some time to put them away. I need to do this slow."

"Of course." He reaches up to tousle her hair. "You do it your way. I’m here for you."

She tousles his hair back. “Same.”

* * *

Pearl has butterflies, just like most everyone else. They come and go, and she's not concerned. Humans have always picked up scars. She doesn't mind a few.

There's one over her heart that never moves and Steven rests his hand against it. "Is it her?"

"It's missing her," she says, squeezing his hand. "It'll never go away. But that's not a bad thing. It doesn't define me. Just a battle scar."

He smiles. "It looks good on you."

* * *

The gems are not the best equipped to handle all Steven’s problems, nor is Connie or Greg or anyone else. Steven’s problems are big and terrifying, and he gets the help he needs in a quiet room with a very nice man who spent a lot of time in school learning how to help people. Steven finds that interesting enough to think about doing it himself. But there’s a lot of things he’s interested in, nowadays, and he has plenty of time to explore them all. He’s technically not even an adult yet, in the eyes of the Delmarva law.

Some days, the guilt of the things he feels he’s done wrong are enough to send him begging for forgiveness. People promise him they love him, and they don’t think he’s done much bad, and they forgive him even if he has. That helps.

Some days, the lack of self-esteem makes him don the baggiest clothes he can find and spend the day consuming instead of making. And that’s alright.

Some days, the memories of people hurting him burn so bright he can’t see the sun and he has to spend the day in bed in the dark. And that’s okay too.

But other days, and these days start coming more and more often, everything is just fine. Steven makes food and music and reads some books and listens to podcasts and studies things online, and he learns who he is. He has a huge board of ideas for the future, and he erases and rewrites and the list is getting smaller. One of these days, it’ll be small enough to be doable.

They have a cookout with everyone they know and it’s a good party. There’s lots of good food and drink and the whole boardwalk smells like barbecue. There’s music and dancing until the day grows late, and people leave. It turns to evening and more go, until it’s Steven and the Crystal Gems, the Crystal Temps, and his dad.

“You’re growing up so fast,” Greg says, ruffling his hair. “Good thing that money came in when it did. You can spend all the time you want on those classes, schtu-ball.”

Steven snags his ukulele and laughs. “What if I just want to be a rock star like you?”

“I think I’m more of a gas station owner.”

“Maybe I wanna do that.” He grins.

“Go ahead!” Greg laughs. “Who’s gonna stop you?”

When he strums, his family and friends end their chatter to listen, everyone sitting around the smoky bonfire under the setting sun.

The universe is big and scary and cold, and there are always things coming for them when the sun goes down. But the beach is warm and bright, and full of the sound of plastic strings from a red and yellow ukulele.

That’s enough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I want to thank everyone for the really overwhelming response, to start. Obviously, this was a pretty emotional story to write, so I'm really glad the response was so positive! Honestly, it was so intense to put some of this out there. Even right now, I get a little shaky thinking about how many people have seen this and how many people cared.
> 
> I'm hoping that all of this is a good ending for everyone. I hope I haven't let anyone out there down with what I've written.
> 
> I hope if you're out there and the world seems big and scary, that maybe this will help you find a way to make it a little less so. I hope if you've got scars from a bad time, this makes you feel a little less like they're a burden. I hope that if you're carrying pain and it feels like you're alone, this reminds you that everyone's hurting. Everyone's trying their best, and you're really, really not alone.
> 
> And I hope you know that life can get better. Sometimes it feels like you're in hell and you're never going to get out, and it's okay to hurt about that. Just keep trying to hold out for another sunrise, even if it's just the small happiness of someone smiling because you told them their dress looks pretty.
> 
> I love you all. <3


End file.
